D5K Diversions

How to climb a mountain.

Step 1:

Decide at the last minute to join your 2 friends for a nice leisurely hike on a crisp fall Sunday morning.

Step 2:

Start drinking Tanqueray and tonics at 6 o’clock Saturday afternoon.

Step 3:

Continue to drink (whatever is available) until 2:30 Sunday Morning.

Step 4:

Fall asleep (Pass Out)

Step 5:

Wake up late and start to pack.

Step 6:

Put car on autopilot and have it drive you to the trailhead.

Step 7:

Meet friends at mountain and change out of your pajamas/yesterdays clothes.

Step 8:

Have your friends? decide to turn this leisurely hike into a training run. (NOTE: friend number 1 is training for the Stone Cat Marathon, and friend number 2 is training for the Vermont 50 miler.)

Step 9:

Agree with Vigor.

Step 10:

Lie to yourself about your physical condition and start running.

Step 11:

Do WHATEVER is necessary to take your mind of the fact that your legs feel like two pieces of overcooked spaghetti that have been set on fire, and focus on the happy thoughts, like, just think how clean my pores are going to be after all this alcohol infused sweat decides to stop pouring out of every single part of my body. Or, all that fresh mountain air you are breathing in, which is simply a nice way of saying, large gasping breathes of air that cling for every molecule of oxygen, lungs trying there hardest to turn the mixture of alcohol and battery acid that is flowing through my veins back into oxygenated blood.

Step 12:

Arrive at Summit.

Step 13:

Drink a Beer, eat a sandwich, take a picture.

Step 14:

Reverse process (Only faster)

Step 15:

Assure yourself that running down a mountain at full speed is normal and people do it all the time.

Step 16:

Somehow arrive back at the parking lot alive and in one piece.

Step 17:

Celebrate by drinking a couple of 12 packs of beer in the parking lot, lying about how good you feel and what a great idea that was.

Step 18:

Get into your car and start crying like a little girl, drive home and go to bed. Wake up in the morning jump out of bed and fall down directly on your face.

the end.